News Reading in the Indian News Television Channel: The Art of Farting in the Face


The Indian Television News channel viewers are strong contenders for the Nobel Peace prize for the insurmountable peace that they let prevail over them. One look at the teleprompter seduced distorted face of the news reader, whose peak performance, laced with the screams and moans in achieving an orgasm of self-glory and you would know, why we viewers would settle nothing less than the Noble prize.

As a breed, they are alarmingly erudite, operates with the stealth that can be compared only with the best in class bomber. Armed with an astute pedigree in indestructible construction of thesaurus guided missiles that prompt the viewers to exchange their glances not in admiration but in profound guilt of yet not having mastered the ‘art-of-fart’, these demy Gods have their fan following running into hundreds, for they are the ultimate answer to the common people’s unanswered woes and despairs.

These people have become such an indispensable fixture in the lives of many like me that they not only shape and form an opinion that finds a mention in the social networking site as an accomplished update obviously as mine, but ends up in ensuring that my memory for an event or an incidence is as short-lived as he wants it to be! Operating with a battery of field reporters, cameramen and crew when every news channel seems to be racing against time in breaking news, one after another the news reader braces for the dramatics in rehearsing the rhetoric to follow.

Give him any topic under the sun and he is an encyclopedia in disfiguring, dissecting and deciding the source and origin, the outcome, the guilt, the death-toll and the consequence of an incidence. But the best is served in the prime time. Each of the news reader gets to decide the menu for their signature show by squaring on the news and newsmaker of the day. Then he creates a recipe or a panel that will consist of ingredients like the snooty social commentator, the bored wife of a corporate honcho as an activist doubling as the last hope for mankind, a historian who would be shortly read as a chapter in the next edition of the book, a known detractor of the newsmaker and someone from the neighboring country as the dessert.

Served hot and garnished with the inimitable shrieks, shrill and cacophony drowning and immersing voices of all the participants at the same time so that none of us get to either hear or understand the point of views being made from the flaring nostrils and wild animated gestures. Our hero then takes the centre stage with facts, figures, and anecdotes and then with the biggest weapon in his arsenal - getting every participant in a mute mode, he makes his point to leave my jaws dropped not in admiration but in profound guilt of yet not having mastered the ‘art-of-fart’.

These news readers are a breed apart and should be considered being reared in captivity to perpetuate the bloodline for we are at the risk of losing them to the ignominy of precise, factual and unbiased reporting as we sometimes get to see the news anchors in CNN or BBC.   

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