A letter from a Father to his Adolescent Son
Watching you grow is the single biggest sense of accomplishment for fatherhood. The experiences may vary from one father to another and yet each of us as a father, take an inexplicable pride in having reared a thoroughbred bloodline. Your birth was a personification of feelings that ranged from a sense of enhanced responsibility, pride, inter-dependence and love as you complete the cycle of my life.
My father, I am sure, must have experienced similar emotions when I came to his life and I understand what we mean to each other. I have outgrown him by the size of the shoes that I wear and yet, many a times, I yearn to cuddle up to the warmth of his unrequited love and the silent reciprocation.
What stops me at my age today from telling my father, how much I admire him. What comes in between me and my father when it’s about letting everyone know that that we complete the circle of each other’s life. Is it the fear of a rebuttal that just does not exist? Is it the typical growth pang that paralyses admission by an adult for his father? Or, it is just that I have not made an attempt? I have started taking profound note of the losses that my friends have had on losing their father and regretting not having made an attempt.
William Wordsworth used the expression in one of his poems, "The child is father of the man." This expression means that all our positive and negative traits are established when we are young. A sense of guilt lurks somewhere in me which compels the selfishness in me to assuage my ability to admit, I love my father. I want you to know that I will keep longing for your selfless love. I want you to be a father to me now, to foster the sense of responsibility, pride, inter-dependence and love for my Father which I have lost in the forlorn pursuit of relationships that will never ever substitute my loss for I feel abandoned in the realm of a stupor where I seek him and yet do not reach out to him.
I might have come across as tyrannical and overbearing for I let the fool in me, at times to intrude your space when you are no longer a toddler but a young adult. You must have understood it to be a dark side in me, which was but, a father fortifying his words and acts of self acclaimed wisdom that could have been avoided. I must have come across at times, a self appointed apostle of virtues, forth righteousness and conduct which must have made your smirk at the mirror but, it was simply an act of wanting to see all those things in you that is missing in me.
I will grow older and will talk more; I will put on dentures and will be short of hearing, I will get myopic and intolerant of your ways and means. I will try to defend traditions that will make you shy away and disown me. I will wait for you to join me in dinner when you would be planning a date. But, I will keep in mind that these could be the reasons that you do not yearn to cuddle up to the warmth of my unrequited love and the silent reciprocation.
Be a son and let me remain a father to you, for, you complete the circle of my life.